"Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Utterly Meaningless! Everything is meaningless." What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun? Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever.
Today I am 30.
I don't feel 30, or even 29. I still feel like a child. When will I feel like a man? I'm not sure if I will ever feel like a man, or be one.
When I officially became a man (the first time at 18), I was in the darkest place of my life. Depression has a way of making you feel like you've experienced everything before, even if you haven't. So there was nothing new under the sun. And still isn't.
Traveling the world should feel exhilarating, like new lifetimes folded within new lifetimes, transformative.
And some days it is.
And most days I walk a knife's edge between the vast love of God and the vast chasm of loneliness that seeks to engulf me with despair.
Is it better to have God in hand? Or be constantly desperate to merely catch a glimpse of him from day to day (for fear that I will die if I don't)?
I'm not sure what I expected to find here, across the globe, that I didn't find at home. Something better? Or more of the same?
Nevermind.
I care about so much less than I did when I was younger. By less, I mean a smaller number of things overall. But at the same time I care much more for those smaller number of things.
And so at age 30, I will take a moment to share my thoughts on some of those things with you.
the Bigger love
I feel safer than ever before -- safer because I know Love just a little better -- safer because there is something Bigger pressing up against my being.
Around the world, travelers everywhere are seeking good things: adventure, excitement, meaning, purpose, a good time, spirituality, the right kind of power, each other, place. With all their hearts they are seeking something Bigger than themselves.
Some are content with what they find. And some are driven to keep looking. Bethany and I are no different. We are committed to Jesus and his church, and yet, like every other traveler, we are seeking all of the same thrills, something Bigger. Not bigger than Jesus, mind you. But bigger than our thoughts about Jesus. And so we are on the same journey, not necessarily headed in the same direction, but seeking essentially the same thing. I have great respect for our fellow travelers. It's a courageous endeavor.
Oh the deep deep love of he who is the Bigger love.
the Romance
Love is love, but romance is something else altogether. God is love, but his son is a bridegroom. I can't imagine life without romance -- romance with my wife is wonderful, powerful, mysterious, and gets me out of bed in the morning. But if this were the biggest romance of my life, I could not continue to live. No really. Bethany is not enough for me. She makes every moment worth living, but she is not enough. (How's that for a contradiction in terms!)
This intimacy with our Maker is what we yearn for. Yet if Freud were describing this desire he would probably place it in the Id. The desire itself is almost unknowable. It is unconscious (or nearly so). Yet it is a basic instinct which must be explored.
Frankly, knowing this desire terrifies us. It terrifies me. It is both attractive and polarizing at the same time.
When I close my eyes at night and think about how I spent my day, little else matters in light of the Romance. At 30, there is little else waking me up in the mornings. That's quite something to admit to myself in the middle of a year-long trip around the world, when waking up in the morning means something new and grand almost every day.
Only in the context of the Romance do the new things matter.
Freedom
At 30 years old, I am only beginning to understand freedom. So often my understanding of liberation lies in the context of the external, when in fact I need freedom from myself. Can you imagine living your life entirely without fear (of any kind except the fear of God)? I can't. And yet I need fearlessness like I need oxygen. To exist.
I'm so afraid to look fear in the eyes.
I'm so afraid to love without boundaries, to Love God, to Love others, to Love myself. I'm so afraid to let light have it's way in the darkness, especially when the existence of light necessitates the existence of darkness.
We are so afraid to see each other without the boxes and labels so amply provided by ourselves. Slim -- fat, left -- right, sinner -- saint, legal -- illegal, intelligent -- simple, conservative -- liberal. And these are just some of the more obvious ones. Lately, I have been bothered especially by the political boxes. We often REFUSE to stand on the side of right because doing so would mean appearing to jump into several other quite unattractive boxes. And we are afraid of being seen that way, even though it is merely an appearance.
A little about politics (and Freedom continued...)
Those of you who know me know that I have been virtually silent for several years re: most political topics. It has been a season of learning, stretching, growing, and healing from disillusionment. My brother Seth might think I have thrown in the political towel altogether, because I've as much as said so.
But personal freedom has a huge bearing on political courage. So with an ounce of that courage, I'll climb up on my soapbox for a moment.
We often REFUSE to stand on the side of right because doing so would mean appearing to jump into several other quite unattractive boxes. And we are afraid of being seen that way, even though it is merely an appearance. For instance, many of my liberal/progressive friends are in support of justice for the trafficked, minorities, women, animals, the earth, but not the unborn? I think I understand why. Because jumping into the "pro-life" boat might make them look like a backwards conservative in other respects. At the heart of this is fear, a fear so powerful it justifies blatant inconsistency. Justice must be for the whole woman, the whole minority, from the conception to death. On this issue, the Christian left is out to lunch, and has grossly compartmentalized justice.
Yes, abortion is bigger than just the Roe vs. Wade decision. It is about compassion for women (and men) and the unfair pressures young singles and families face. It is about providing convenient solutions other abortion. It is about stepping up to the plate as a society. But abortion, at it's core, it inhumane. Sometime, we should all be made to participate in the ripping of one body violently from another, until we are compelled to pledge ourselves to life, holistically.
Many of my conservative friends, for fear of being labeled socialists (or worse, communists) cannot seem to embrace our societal responsibility to adopt national health-care. Not that national healthcare is a perfect idea as put forth. But that our current system doesn't properly address the healthcare issues of the poor. Again, gross inconsistency, especially for Christians. Perhaps "government run" healthcare isn't the best solution. But we should all helping to carry the burden, especially for the poor. So "government funded" healthcare is a must." On this issue, the Christian right is not being compassionate. They're just not. It's just as much an issue of justice as the issues above.
Can I please please please believe in the ethical treatment of animals, seek to treat the earth with respect and sustainable practices, advocate for the rights of the unborn, believe in the merits both of certain aspects of capitalism and socialism, love and welcome illegal immigrants while seeking justice for citizens, support a national healthcare plan especially for the poor while being cautious of the federal government's ability to administer such a plan, and continue to think through issues deeply and carefully, one-by-one, without being promptly labeled and hated by the other labels.
I'll climb down from my soapbox now.
These are my political thoughts at age 30 (not many). I have probably made most of you angry.
Freedom from fear will free us to be truly holistic (whole-istic) in the most fragmented areas of societal labeling. To be a person of consistent, thoughtful beliefs takes a healthy disregard for the boundary lines one might have to cross in order to get closer to the truth.
Forgiveness
I care a lot about Justice. I care a lot about Mercy. I care the most about forgiveness. In my opinion (and it is only an opinion) forgiveness is the only true justice. Justice by itself is a half-way job, like performing surgery without dressing the wound.
Forgiveness is the only way a parent can heal from the wound of a murdered child (even if the killer is brought to justice). Forgiveness is the only path to lasting racial and gender equality (even if we are held accountable for our prejudices). Forgiveness is the only way for Israel and Palestine to coexist (even and despite the best efforts towards fairness). Forgiveness is a more difficult road to walk than justice, because it is paved with self-reflection.
The more I am forgiven (by God and others), the more I care about forgiveness. I say this and mean this with every fiber in my being. COMPLETE JUSTICE CANNOT BE RENDERED FOR THE THINGS I HAVE DONE. It's impossible. My wrongs can never be righted. This fact does not brush justice aside and render it useless. Rather, it calls for a more complete solution: forgiveness -- achieved by the only sacrifice ever to appease justice, the death of the Perfect One. The ripples of his death must wash injustice, or it will grow again.
Lately, our brand of justice turns my stomach, because it addresses only the wounds of the abused and not the wounds (or inflictions) of the abuser. Forgiveness addresses the needs of Barabas, Zaccheus, and the Roman Centurion as well as the leper, prostitute, and woman at the well.
Brokenness + Humility
I am seeking a deeper humility. There's no denying I want to be a leader (in what context, I'm not sure yet). Scores of books and sermons outline the top qualities of a leader, both in the church and in the world. I believe these qualities can be reduced to humility. It is the foundation of wisdom, the foundation of integrity, the foundation of charisma, and the foundation of competence.
The road to humility (which by the way it a descending road), is designed to break the traveler. Most roads are designed to coax, comfort, and assist the traveler toward progress in the forward direction. The humble road is designed to crush the traveler and push him downward, seemingly away from progress.
Who would choose this road over the other roads offered? Who would choose this road if it had not already been chosen?
...but [he] made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death, even death on a cross.
The small + insignificant
One of the things that keeps me up at night is the propensity of my generation (and I am wholeheartedly including myself in this comment) to hyper-fixate on thinking and speaking rightly over acting rightly. The great misfortune of Christian bloggers, pastors, speakers, Facebookers (such as myself), and Tweeters is the ability to so easily spout right thinking without engaging in right action. Essentially, speaking is not acting. And while right thinking and speaking are foundational to right action, by themselves they are incomplete. What good is a pastor who exhorts his congregation to help the poor when he/she does not know (or spend time with) poor people? What good is a Christian blogger who tears down the ministries of all the other Christian leaders whom he/she doesn't agree with, yet doesn't personally pastor a church (and thus have non-virtual, pastoral interactions with real, hurting people) themselves?
I care so little about what you say, unless you act. The handfull of pastors I know and also respect (who, by the way, have no real online presence) are spending their evenings and weekends showing up in court with the homeless, using their pick-ups to help struggling families move into transitional apartments, visiting old folks in the hospital who have no family members, breaking bread with blue-collar immigrant families, and moving their own families into struggling, unsafe neighborhoods so they can live incarnationally.
So many pastors want to preach from the safety and defined power of their pulpits, not come home smelling like cigarettes and BO because they spent the afternoon driving a vagrant to a dr's appointment.
So many bloggers want to create virtual pulpits for the same reason.
I put little to no stock in the virtue of right thinking and speaking (for others or myself) without the down-and-dirty followup of knowing the least of these by name and hearing them call us friend.
I've wasted a lot of time squatting contently in the false-safety of right thinking. I sincerely believe those years of my life will be burnt like chaff. Nothing meaningful will remain.
Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.
Patience for the process
None of us have arrived. Few of us have patience for the process. Hold beliefs with loose hands. Especially, we ought to hold our allegiance to our articulation of our beliefs with loose hands. Our ways of seeing, perceiving, and thus articulating are subjective, even if our core beliefs are rooted and solid. We must seek to hear each other, ask questions, clarify, challenge, and hear each other again.
For myself, I am changing every day. My beliefs are evolving. My convictions are still being developed. To exist this way requires more patience than dogmatism.
Each Other
Finally, is there anything sweeter than breaking bread with dear friends? Cloaked with safety and provided with freedom given by the Love, there is a richness in relationships that transcends ordinary companionship. Add to that the benefit of enduring friendship, and earthly speaking, you just can't beat it. Seriously, I'm look forward to sharing wine, cheese, and bread with some of our closest friends at home when we return, and I know seeing Machu Picchu will pail in comparison.
At age 30, these are my thoughts. At 40, they will probably change a bit. Currently, I'm sitting in a pub eating tacos and enjoying a lager in Patagonia, nearly the ends of the earth. I am having the time of my life. Yet, I miss my friends and family. I have been blessed with a loyal and loving wife, a fantastic family, and the best friends in the world. I am full of gratitude.
In the name of he who is the Bigger love
Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole of man. For God will bring every deed into judgement, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil.
Today I am 30.
I don't feel 30, or even 29. I still feel like a child. When will I feel like a man? I'm not sure if I will ever feel like a man, or be one.
When I officially became a man (the first time at 18), I was in the darkest place of my life. Depression has a way of making you feel like you've experienced everything before, even if you haven't. So there was nothing new under the sun. And still isn't.
Traveling the world should feel exhilarating, like new lifetimes folded within new lifetimes, transformative.
And some days it is.
And most days I walk a knife's edge between the vast love of God and the vast chasm of loneliness that seeks to engulf me with despair.
Is it better to have God in hand? Or be constantly desperate to merely catch a glimpse of him from day to day (for fear that I will die if I don't)?
I'm not sure what I expected to find here, across the globe, that I didn't find at home. Something better? Or more of the same?
Nevermind.
I care about so much less than I did when I was younger. By less, I mean a smaller number of things overall. But at the same time I care much more for those smaller number of things.
And so at age 30, I will take a moment to share my thoughts on some of those things with you.
the Bigger love
I feel safer than ever before -- safer because I know Love just a little better -- safer because there is something Bigger pressing up against my being.
Around the world, travelers everywhere are seeking good things: adventure, excitement, meaning, purpose, a good time, spirituality, the right kind of power, each other, place. With all their hearts they are seeking something Bigger than themselves.
Some are content with what they find. And some are driven to keep looking. Bethany and I are no different. We are committed to Jesus and his church, and yet, like every other traveler, we are seeking all of the same thrills, something Bigger. Not bigger than Jesus, mind you. But bigger than our thoughts about Jesus. And so we are on the same journey, not necessarily headed in the same direction, but seeking essentially the same thing. I have great respect for our fellow travelers. It's a courageous endeavor.
Oh the deep deep love of he who is the Bigger love.
the Romance
Love is love, but romance is something else altogether. God is love, but his son is a bridegroom. I can't imagine life without romance -- romance with my wife is wonderful, powerful, mysterious, and gets me out of bed in the morning. But if this were the biggest romance of my life, I could not continue to live. No really. Bethany is not enough for me. She makes every moment worth living, but she is not enough. (How's that for a contradiction in terms!)
This intimacy with our Maker is what we yearn for. Yet if Freud were describing this desire he would probably place it in the Id. The desire itself is almost unknowable. It is unconscious (or nearly so). Yet it is a basic instinct which must be explored.
Frankly, knowing this desire terrifies us. It terrifies me. It is both attractive and polarizing at the same time.
When I close my eyes at night and think about how I spent my day, little else matters in light of the Romance. At 30, there is little else waking me up in the mornings. That's quite something to admit to myself in the middle of a year-long trip around the world, when waking up in the morning means something new and grand almost every day.
Only in the context of the Romance do the new things matter.
Freedom
At 30 years old, I am only beginning to understand freedom. So often my understanding of liberation lies in the context of the external, when in fact I need freedom from myself. Can you imagine living your life entirely without fear (of any kind except the fear of God)? I can't. And yet I need fearlessness like I need oxygen. To exist.
I'm so afraid to look fear in the eyes.
I'm so afraid to love without boundaries, to Love God, to Love others, to Love myself. I'm so afraid to let light have it's way in the darkness, especially when the existence of light necessitates the existence of darkness.
We are so afraid to see each other without the boxes and labels so amply provided by ourselves. Slim -- fat, left -- right, sinner -- saint, legal -- illegal, intelligent -- simple, conservative -- liberal. And these are just some of the more obvious ones. Lately, I have been bothered especially by the political boxes. We often REFUSE to stand on the side of right because doing so would mean appearing to jump into several other quite unattractive boxes. And we are afraid of being seen that way, even though it is merely an appearance.
A little about politics (and Freedom continued...)
Those of you who know me know that I have been virtually silent for several years re: most political topics. It has been a season of learning, stretching, growing, and healing from disillusionment. My brother Seth might think I have thrown in the political towel altogether, because I've as much as said so.
But personal freedom has a huge bearing on political courage. So with an ounce of that courage, I'll climb up on my soapbox for a moment.
We often REFUSE to stand on the side of right because doing so would mean appearing to jump into several other quite unattractive boxes. And we are afraid of being seen that way, even though it is merely an appearance. For instance, many of my liberal/progressive friends are in support of justice for the trafficked, minorities, women, animals, the earth, but not the unborn? I think I understand why. Because jumping into the "pro-life" boat might make them look like a backwards conservative in other respects. At the heart of this is fear, a fear so powerful it justifies blatant inconsistency. Justice must be for the whole woman, the whole minority, from the conception to death. On this issue, the Christian left is out to lunch, and has grossly compartmentalized justice.
Yes, abortion is bigger than just the Roe vs. Wade decision. It is about compassion for women (and men) and the unfair pressures young singles and families face. It is about providing convenient solutions other abortion. It is about stepping up to the plate as a society. But abortion, at it's core, it inhumane. Sometime, we should all be made to participate in the ripping of one body violently from another, until we are compelled to pledge ourselves to life, holistically.
Many of my conservative friends, for fear of being labeled socialists (or worse, communists) cannot seem to embrace our societal responsibility to adopt national health-care. Not that national healthcare is a perfect idea as put forth. But that our current system doesn't properly address the healthcare issues of the poor. Again, gross inconsistency, especially for Christians. Perhaps "government run" healthcare isn't the best solution. But we should all helping to carry the burden, especially for the poor. So "government funded" healthcare is a must." On this issue, the Christian right is not being compassionate. They're just not. It's just as much an issue of justice as the issues above.
Can I please please please believe in the ethical treatment of animals, seek to treat the earth with respect and sustainable practices, advocate for the rights of the unborn, believe in the merits both of certain aspects of capitalism and socialism, love and welcome illegal immigrants while seeking justice for citizens, support a national healthcare plan especially for the poor while being cautious of the federal government's ability to administer such a plan, and continue to think through issues deeply and carefully, one-by-one, without being promptly labeled and hated by the other labels.
I'll climb down from my soapbox now.
These are my political thoughts at age 30 (not many). I have probably made most of you angry.
Freedom from fear will free us to be truly holistic (whole-istic) in the most fragmented areas of societal labeling. To be a person of consistent, thoughtful beliefs takes a healthy disregard for the boundary lines one might have to cross in order to get closer to the truth.
Forgiveness
I care a lot about Justice. I care a lot about Mercy. I care the most about forgiveness. In my opinion (and it is only an opinion) forgiveness is the only true justice. Justice by itself is a half-way job, like performing surgery without dressing the wound.
Forgiveness is the only way a parent can heal from the wound of a murdered child (even if the killer is brought to justice). Forgiveness is the only path to lasting racial and gender equality (even if we are held accountable for our prejudices). Forgiveness is the only way for Israel and Palestine to coexist (even and despite the best efforts towards fairness). Forgiveness is a more difficult road to walk than justice, because it is paved with self-reflection.
The more I am forgiven (by God and others), the more I care about forgiveness. I say this and mean this with every fiber in my being. COMPLETE JUSTICE CANNOT BE RENDERED FOR THE THINGS I HAVE DONE. It's impossible. My wrongs can never be righted. This fact does not brush justice aside and render it useless. Rather, it calls for a more complete solution: forgiveness -- achieved by the only sacrifice ever to appease justice, the death of the Perfect One. The ripples of his death must wash injustice, or it will grow again.
Lately, our brand of justice turns my stomach, because it addresses only the wounds of the abused and not the wounds (or inflictions) of the abuser. Forgiveness addresses the needs of Barabas, Zaccheus, and the Roman Centurion as well as the leper, prostitute, and woman at the well.
Brokenness + Humility
I am seeking a deeper humility. There's no denying I want to be a leader (in what context, I'm not sure yet). Scores of books and sermons outline the top qualities of a leader, both in the church and in the world. I believe these qualities can be reduced to humility. It is the foundation of wisdom, the foundation of integrity, the foundation of charisma, and the foundation of competence.
The road to humility (which by the way it a descending road), is designed to break the traveler. Most roads are designed to coax, comfort, and assist the traveler toward progress in the forward direction. The humble road is designed to crush the traveler and push him downward, seemingly away from progress.
Who would choose this road over the other roads offered? Who would choose this road if it had not already been chosen?
...but [he] made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death, even death on a cross.
The small + insignificant
One of the things that keeps me up at night is the propensity of my generation (and I am wholeheartedly including myself in this comment) to hyper-fixate on thinking and speaking rightly over acting rightly. The great misfortune of Christian bloggers, pastors, speakers, Facebookers (such as myself), and Tweeters is the ability to so easily spout right thinking without engaging in right action. Essentially, speaking is not acting. And while right thinking and speaking are foundational to right action, by themselves they are incomplete. What good is a pastor who exhorts his congregation to help the poor when he/she does not know (or spend time with) poor people? What good is a Christian blogger who tears down the ministries of all the other Christian leaders whom he/she doesn't agree with, yet doesn't personally pastor a church (and thus have non-virtual, pastoral interactions with real, hurting people) themselves?
I care so little about what you say, unless you act. The handfull of pastors I know and also respect (who, by the way, have no real online presence) are spending their evenings and weekends showing up in court with the homeless, using their pick-ups to help struggling families move into transitional apartments, visiting old folks in the hospital who have no family members, breaking bread with blue-collar immigrant families, and moving their own families into struggling, unsafe neighborhoods so they can live incarnationally.
So many pastors want to preach from the safety and defined power of their pulpits, not come home smelling like cigarettes and BO because they spent the afternoon driving a vagrant to a dr's appointment.
So many bloggers want to create virtual pulpits for the same reason.
I put little to no stock in the virtue of right thinking and speaking (for others or myself) without the down-and-dirty followup of knowing the least of these by name and hearing them call us friend.
I've wasted a lot of time squatting contently in the false-safety of right thinking. I sincerely believe those years of my life will be burnt like chaff. Nothing meaningful will remain.
Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.
Patience for the process
None of us have arrived. Few of us have patience for the process. Hold beliefs with loose hands. Especially, we ought to hold our allegiance to our articulation of our beliefs with loose hands. Our ways of seeing, perceiving, and thus articulating are subjective, even if our core beliefs are rooted and solid. We must seek to hear each other, ask questions, clarify, challenge, and hear each other again.
For myself, I am changing every day. My beliefs are evolving. My convictions are still being developed. To exist this way requires more patience than dogmatism.
Each Other
Finally, is there anything sweeter than breaking bread with dear friends? Cloaked with safety and provided with freedom given by the Love, there is a richness in relationships that transcends ordinary companionship. Add to that the benefit of enduring friendship, and earthly speaking, you just can't beat it. Seriously, I'm look forward to sharing wine, cheese, and bread with some of our closest friends at home when we return, and I know seeing Machu Picchu will pail in comparison.
At age 30, these are my thoughts. At 40, they will probably change a bit. Currently, I'm sitting in a pub eating tacos and enjoying a lager in Patagonia, nearly the ends of the earth. I am having the time of my life. Yet, I miss my friends and family. I have been blessed with a loyal and loving wife, a fantastic family, and the best friends in the world. I am full of gratitude.
In the name of he who is the Bigger love
Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole of man. For God will bring every deed into judgement, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil.
3 comments:
Ted,
On the verge of turning 30 myself I applaud you for this post. Partly because from a political perspective I feel much the same way you do and dread the heated conversations that ensue and am pinned "this" or "that" when it certainly isn't a label I claimed for myself.
Beyond that though I am glad you voiced the questions you have, and the thoughts you have on all the matters you spoke of.
Thank you, I feel just slightly less alone in this world after reading your shared thoughts.
Happy birthday my son-in-love! I'm proud of your courage and excited for your further adventures around the world and within yourself. Keep it up! Just today I read with my students Plato's classic imperative-- the unexamined life is not worth living-- Well, keep examining and keep living in the strength of God's joy.
And by e way, I'm fifty and I still don't feel grown up. Maybe that's a good thing. Children don't expect to know it all, they don't mind taking someone's hand to be led or comforted. Maybe that's exactly how the Lord wants us to be.
Blessings,
Mama Buck
Ted - thanks for your wise reflections at this milestone in your life. You're the man.
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